AVW Newstime Comedy: Trustees, Administration Discuss Elaborate Heist Scheme as a Funding Option

Faced with state cuts to education funding and heavy resistance to increasing tuition or taxes, Ohio University’s Board of Trustees, Executive Vice President and Provost Pam Benoit and Vice President for Finance and Administration Stephen Golding discussed plans for a series of  elaborate, high-profile heists as a funding method at the most recent trustees meeting on Nov. 15. Such a heist, if successful, could fund OU for a further five years without having to raise tuition on students; though tuition hikes could still be an option to increase the size of the administration’s money pit.The discussion began when Golding said, “We absolutely understand that tuition cannot support the underlying costs of operating this university,” at which point one of the trustees asked, “So where do we get the money from?” Golding and Benoit then smiled and simultaneously donned fedoras, leading Benoit to say dramatically, “We take it.”The lights of the meeting room were immediately dimmed and schematics for three casinos, two banks and Trump Tower in New York City were projected on a large screen. It seemed as if Benoit and Golding had already conducted surveillance on all six locations and had meticulously noted the usual comings and goings of security personnel. Requests for heist positions were then heard, with several trustees asking to “drive the van.”Benoit and Golding then began assigning codenames to themselves and the trustees. Benoit will be referred to during the operation as “The Maestro” while Golding will be called “Zigzag.” Senior Student Trustee Allison Arnold was given the code name “Eagle 4.” As of press time, it remains unclear who the first three “Eagles” are.The discussion came to an abrupt end when Benoit became suspicious that someone in the room was “wearing a wire, or recording this meeting in some way.” It was at this point that they noticed that the wires being worn were the tape recorders and cameras of every single media member in the room. Benoit and Golding quickly shut down their presentation, packed their things and departed through a hole in the ceiling.The remaining trustees continued to stare awkwardly at each other for several minutes, listening to Benoit and Golding crawl slowly through the overhead air duct.