AVW Newstime Comedy: Student Death Due to 'Passive Aggressive Glare'

Athens, OH— A female Ohio University student was found dead in the elevator of Glidden Hall this Thursday morning.  Though OUPD will not speak on specifics before conducting a thorough investigation, an initial statement from Police Chief Andrew Powers reported “passive aggressive glares” as the cause of death.“The student had no visible wounds or signs of trauma,” he told reporters. “It appears that death stares from pissy music students bent on hoarding the only elevator up two monstrous hills for themselves could be the only possible cause.”The victim’s name has not been released, but bystanders identified the young woman as someone they have often seen complaining about fracking around the Scripps Journalism building.“All I know is, she’s not a music student,” said Music Education major Bill Francis.One student, Kendra Borris, was positioned in the front of the elevator at the time of the victim’s death. The victim was not in her line of vision, so all death stares must have shot from those further in the back, she said.“I ran into the elevator at the last second, so I didn’t really see anything,” she said. “And it’s a good thing I caught it, too. There’s no way you’re catching me walk up four whole flights of stairs.”A student majoring in economics passed out in the elevator last month due to several evil-eyes, a few impatient sighs and one comment grumbled under the breath of a male student holding a trombone case about how the elevator wouldn’t be so packed if non-music majors didn’t clog it up all the damn time. The incident was not fatal.“People know that this sort of thing happens to other majors. This is proof that the elevator should only be available for students of the music school,” student Isabelle Worth said. “Which, by the way, I am.”“Cannot reiterate enough that she was not a music student,” added Francis.OU Administration is expected to release a statement sometime tonight providing more details about the student’s identity.A petition for the construction of a separate but equal elevator for non-music majors somewhere around Jeff Hill has already surfaced on the influential Facebook group, “Music Majors.”