AVW Newstime Comedy: Republicans Awaiting End of World Post-Election

In the wake of Mitt Romney’s defeat in the presidential election, many say that senior Republicans are now hoping for the end of the world on Dec. 21, as predicted by the Mayan calendar. Most Republicans are crossing their fingers for “Zombama,” a nickname for a theoretical, zombified Obama using voodoo magic.Other end-of-the-world prophesies by Republicans were met with lukewarm responses; OU student Anne Winkle commented, “Who do they even think they are? They're rich and brainwashed and whatever, but who actually believes that the world is going to end because of a chocolate syrup flood?” Some leading conservative pundits even went so far as to predict a unique and violent spread of restless-leg syndrome, which will cause masses of people to spontaneously break out into song and dance, eventually leading to a painful and sudden death.The Mayans couldn't be reached for comment after Newstime found them mysteriously vanished nearly eleven hundred years ago. When Newstime examined the calendar that sports the famous “prophecy of the end of the world,” it was determined that it not only looked suspiciously like a rock but also had an image of a very lovable primate in the center. Suspicious? Yes. Adorable? Also yes. The Newstime news-team's best guesswork (involving two gold doubloons, one twelve sided die, and a passive-aggressive magic eight ball) indicates that the chances of the world ending next month are roughly the same as the chance of The Cupid Shuffle ever being relevant again. Said nobody: “Damn.”Some Republicans are also using more moderate and less destructive methods to abstain from recognizing President Obama's re-election, some even going as far as threatening to move to Canada. Some other methods include blindfolds worn 24/7, sporting watches set to dates before 2008, and telling everybody within earshot “Obama who?”Those preparing for the eradication of every living creature on earth are projecting the incident to be a bummer. A small exodus of men, women and children are currently gathered around John Cusack saying, “Just in case.”