AVW Newstime Comedy: Board of Trustees unveils new “iPrez 7”

Almost immediately after the March announcement of Ohio University President Roderick McDavis’ retirement, questions arose as to whom the Board of Trustees would choose as his replacement. While many leaks have spread within recent months, the Board of Trustees has remained relatively silent in regards to its plans for a new president. That is, until the Board’s Sept. 7 news conference, which was held in the Convocation Center and livestreamed via Twitter. “We’re so proud today to announce the newest and most advanced model of the Ohio University President that we have ever created,” said BoT Chair David Wolfort during the opening of the event.The new model, which Wolfort named the iPrez 7, is the newest in a long line of previous models that have increased not only in controversial features, but also in price with each year. While there have been questions concerning the cost of the new president from both students and faculty, Wolfort assured the audience that this will be “... the most expensive and cost defective model to date.”“After years of research and development, the iPrez 7 has some of the most advanced features in the modern era of university presidents,” Wolfort said. “Completely free of any controversies or opinions whatsoever, this model is simply the easiest to manipulate that has ever been seen.”Wolfort also revealed the color of the new iPrez 7, a hotly debated topic among members of the Ohio University community. “We couldn’t decide, so we just made a lot of them in every color we could think of,” he said. “That way, we have one to suit whichever display of diversity that we are trying to convey at that given moment.”When asked about the controversial removal of the students’ well-being jack from the iPrez 7, Wolfort claimed: “We have been toying with this idea for years. Although we made use of the students’ needs jack as little as possible in previous models, we still found that there were questions like ‘Does the president care about our needs?’ The removal of the jack is our way of sending a clear message to students and faculty: No, it does not.”Wolfort later added: “And the iPrez 7 is even waterproof, so when students weep over their insurmountable debt, their tears will fall right off!”The iPrez 7 will be available June 2017, though students will likely begin paying for it in the coming months.