AVW Newstime Comedy: Debate Interrupted by drunken Kyle Triplett rant

Editor's Note: Articles labeled with "AVW Newstime Comedy" are completely fabricated for comedic purposes and are not meant to be taken seriously.Student Senate debates on Monday between FUSS and VOICE executive candidates were interrupted when 2011-2012 Student Senate President Kyle Triplett wandered onstage with a cup of what witnesses described as “Straight Cuervo.” Triplett proceeded to give “a strange rant,” full of nostalgia and venom toward the crowd.“Oh, so now the t-shirts say VOICE,” he slurred, “Seems like yesterday, you all had RSVP shirts. You fickle, fickle bastards.”Triplett, whose recent tweets have included April 2^nd’s “Just tooo drnk for words rigt now” and March 29^th’s “I shook hands with McDavis a year ago, how’s that for some shit?” held nothing back as he shouted accusingly at the new candidates for President.“Southall, you are a child! What do you know about smoothies? And Farmer? Jesus Christ, put on a goddamn tie!” He yelled, as two moderators for the debate restrained him.Current Student Senate candidates were sympathetic to the plight of the once-proud President.“I just hope he gets the help he needs,” said Jacob Chaffin, shaking his head as Triplett called him a “dirty hippie.”“He was the face of Senate for so long and I looked up to him.  Age does terrible things to a person.” Southall noted wisely, while simultaneously contemplating if this was his own fate.Triplett’s rant was not limited to candidates for President and their supporters: his cutting remarks criticized administration, higher education, Barack Obama, The C.I. bouncers, Freddie Mercury’s legacy, Fred McDavis (cousin of Roderick McDavis and “douchebag of monumental proportions. Dude cheats at poker like a motherfucker”) and current President Zach George’s yellow pants.“I mean, you’re the president! You’re going to be remembered forever and you choose to wear yellow pants and bowties? Get it together, bro.” Triplett screamed at George as he purposefully looked away.“He really hit on Rebekah [Rittenberg] and I hardcore before they dragged him away,” said Anna Morton, Vice-Presidential candidate for VOICE. “I’ve met him before and he was extremely respectful and professional. Now, he keeps inviting me to “Wasted Wednesdays” parties in Cleveland that have 13 people attending on Facebook.”Since the Student Senate debate debacle, Farmer and Southall have released a joint letter to The Post, promising to “never be like that, even once the glory days are gone.”  As of press time, Triplett was still avoiding his reflection in the mirror and sending letters to Ryan Lombardi to “see how things are going.”RETRACTION: In the last draft, Newstime addressed Triplett tripping as he left the stage. We regret the lapse in judgment and promise never to make such a lame pun again.This article was written by Taylor Reinhart. Follow Newstime on Twitter: @AVWNewstime