AVW Newstime Comedy: Fests now mandatory to counteract V-Day disappointment

ATHENS, OHIO-- Students will now be required to make an appearance at the local “fests” this upcoming spring, Dean Lombardi said to the Student Advisory Board this past Monday. Though controversial, the move is largely regarded as a humanitarian effort to boost spirits post “V-day,” which ravaged OU’s campus twoThursdays ago. Many are pointing fingers at the festive leader “Cupid,” saying he should be locked up until the day he feels heartbreak.V-day, commonly known as “Valentine’s Day” in good company, is a particularly notorious holiday for students at Ohio University. Student Health Representative Stacey Coon had this to say: “Each year this ruthless holiday visits campus, and each year there are more gut-wrenching cases of broken hearts. I don’t know who this Cupid guy is, but he’s got to cool his jets. People are getting hurt!”The lasting effects of V-day are easy to spot, leaving students withdrawn and strangely attached to pink objects for comfort. The full recovery period can take as long as six months, leaving students forlorn and envious of couples. Some students, in extreme cases, are reported as going out in public “love drunk” and proceeding to throw small chocolates at love-struck couples, threatening to cut others with pink sheets of paper and giving everybody in their vicinity the silent treatment.This proposal was apparently inspired by a nightmare Dean Lombardi had late Thursday night saying, “I had a dream, a vision of students walking alone carrying oversized teddy bears and thirty dollar boxes of sub-standard chocolate. I thought to myself, ‘Dean, what do these students REALLY need?’ And then it hit me, they need to get hammered and slosh around in an immense mud pit. On a related note, your mandatory Eleven Fest tickets are on sale at the door. Hashtag: winning.”Students have mixed responses to the news, some even going so far as to suggest that this is “worse than being stood up.” One student, C. Valentine, had an opposite opinion, saying “Listen, Valentine’s Day is harmless. Nobody’s getting hurt; the worst that can happen is that students spend their entire day inside eating ice cream. It’s not Cupid’s fault, he’s just doing his job.”