AVW Newstime Comedy: Millions of Americans Dedicated to Arresting Development

In a move that caught several analysts by surprise, a considerable portion of the American populace has dedicated themselves to preventing the country’s progress in the field of education, healthcare and social justice. This radical group, who align themselves with conservative ideologies and go by the name Republicans, have made it their primary objective to hold America in its outdated 20th century mindset.“People want to move this country forward,” said Rich Fadtasz, a self-identified Republican from Ohio. “And we think that’s a bad idea.”Several think tanks and political scientists from around the nation are working furiously to investigate the phenomenon, but no one has yet arrived at any conclusive theories of the Republicans’ continuing existence and relevance.“These are people who think the system works,” said Dr. Cornelius Q. Commiepinko, a Professor of Political Science at American University. “Somehow, they’ve deluded themselves into believing that everything in this country is right and good the way it is now and that we don’t need to change anything.”Other theories about the existence of this political sect abound. Some believe the group is the result of vast, systemic ignorance. Others point to racist and sexist historical biases and their continuation from generation to generation. And still others believe Satan’s army has finally risen to walk the Earth.Most shocking to many is the way that this group has been able to continue infiltrating politics at every level: national, state and local. With officeholders from coast to coast, it seems that the Republicans have entrenched themselves in the very fabric of American society.For further evidence of this enmeshing, scholars point to the mass media, where some believe Republican representatives use secret black magic voodoo to control the minds of vast sections of the population.When reached for comment on her role in the media, noted conservative pundit Ann Coulter spread her veiny, bat-like wings, descended from her perch atop Mount Doom, and shrieked “RETARDS!” at a crowd of journalists while attempting to spray them with an acidic gel released from her anus.Meanwhile, sales of handguns, rope, and cyanide pills have skyrocketed among the unemployed, uninsured and intellectually destitute. Industry representatives had no comment.