AVW Newstime: Frankenstorm, AKA Time to Freak the F**ck Out

Hurricane Sandy made landfall in North Carolina last week and weather projection models are predicting that this week, it will hit a harsh winter storm coming south from Canada. The resulting storm, likely to form over the Northeastern United States near Halloween, has already been labeled by meteorologists as “Frankenstorm.”“We don’t want to hype this up too much,” said Chuck Staller of the National Weather Service. “But it’s time to freak the f*** out.”Forecasters expect the storm to slam the east coast with rain, wind, power outages, hail, tornados, floods, frogs, boils and at least ten feet of snow. Did you see “The Day After Tomorrow?” It’s pretty much that. It turns out the day after tomorrow is actually Wednesday.On Oct. 26, the Obama For America campaign sent out an email to supporters with the typically vague subject line, “Some bad news.” The body of the email read, “We just found out that Mitt Romney and the Republicans outraised us in the first half of this month, putting us $45 million behind during these crucial final days. Also, a superstorm is coming to wipe us all out. Chip in $5 or more today!”When asked about the email and how the storm might affect the presidential election, Staller said, “I wouldn’t worry about it. Our projection models show that after Wednesday there probably won’t even be a government.”Locally, the storm is expected to cut Athens off completely from the outside world and citizens will be expected to fend for themselves. Within a week, barricades will need to be constructed along the Hocking and across West Union Street to defend against marauding hill folk. The new currency will be meat and sexual favors. Bobcat Lane will likely remain closed.Most annoyingly, those global warming people are going to be the first ones to say, “I told you so.”When asked for any final advice on how to survive the storm, Staller said, “Look, this is it. Just make your peace and forgive whoever you need to forgive, ‘cause ain’t none of us seeing Friday.”Sources close to Mitt Romney say that as of Saturday, the presidential candidate is still considering whether or not he supports Frankenstorm. Spokesmen for President Barack Obama said Saturday, “Look, we inherited this storm from the previous administration, but we’re moving forward.”Ohio University president Roderick McDavis has already evacuated to his secret bunkers, just another addition in his recently constructed home made of money and could not be reached for comment. The money was expected to blow away in the wind.